This past weekend, while you bros were out galavanting with friends and nurturing your relationships with other human beings, I was in my room, listening to a Clay Aiken album, boning a silicone vagina with the help of two horny Sims characters. Must’ve missed your call to hang out, bro. Goddamn T-Mobile and their dead zones.
If I could tell my 14-year-old self who had to resort to the crusty pages of the bra and panties section of my mom’s Macy’s catalog that in 14 years I’d graduate to a 3-D virtual reality porn experience coupled with my own personal mock vagina, I don’t know if that dude would laugh or cry. But to be honest I really don’t care what that pubeless virgin thinks about me, the only thing that loser is slamming is his pogs set.
Regardless of whatever wrong turn led me to this place where an iFuk Virtual Reality Stroker was sent to my place of employment with my name of it, I’ve chosen to reject the notion that it was sent to me out of pity and instead consider it a blessing from a higher power. I am the Chosen One and I will not bite the hand that strokes me.
Plus, check out how much fun this dude is having. The most fun.
All jokes aside, here is my official pro/con list after spending Sunday afternoon giving this thing a test bone.
If you’ve ever thought of clicking on one of those side banners on PornHub of Family Guy’s Lois Griffin getting the business, this product is for you. It’s like you’re in the room with a couple horny cartoons. Except you’re in your own room. On Earth. Alone. Sticking your junk in a rubber tunnel.
You have full autonomy over their sexual experience. Consider yourself a pixelized porn director. Buttons on the cock sock allow you to undress the girl (that you have customized to your liking), switch positions, and choose the point of climax. Gone are the days when you’re watching a real adult video and it cuts to the scene from behind of the dude doing that leap frog doggy. You know what I’m talking about. And it’s fucking repulsive.
Solid durability. The product is well manufactured from the headset down to the dick device.
If you ever have a heart attack while using the device, be mindful that when the EMTs find you, your johnson is going to be in fake vagina while a moaning headset is strapped securely to your dome. If you can think of a more humiliating way to go, please enlighten me.
Overall, am I writing off future relationships because I’ve found all-encompassing fulfillment in the iFuk Virtual Reality Stroker? No. Am I rushing home to use it again? Nah. With that said, my roommates are both gone the weekend of the 23rd. It would take a goddamn alien invasion for this bad boy to not make an encore.
I’ll just leave this link here for your consideration.